Best Jokes You Will Hear Today


Welcome to our compilation of jokes that you will want to hear and that will stay with you long after you have read them. Jokes are an important part of who we are – they let us show our peers that we are able to make connections.

That we’ve learnt from life, that we’re actually smart and understand life. But also – that we can make fun of life, of its transience of the fact that we will one day be motes of dust all over the place and somewhere out there.

Let’s get you started with a good one then!

#1 Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him “Do you know how fast you were going?”

“No, but I know exactly where I am” Heisenberg replies.

The cop says “You were doing 55 in a 35.” Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts “Great! Now I’m lost!”

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says “Do you know you have a dead cat back here?”

“We do now, asshole!” shouts Schrodinger.

The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

#2 A Mexican Magician…

Promises that he will disappear on the count of three… He starts counting, “uno, dos, and poof” he disappears without a “tres”.

#3 Tommy Cooper once said…

“I said, ‘It’s serious doctor, I’ve broken my arm in 20 places.’ He said: ‘Well stop going to those places.’ ”

#4 Les Dawson once went to a doctor…

“I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.”

#5 Michael McIntyre…

“There are only two conditions where you’re allowed to wake up a woman on a lie-in: it’s snowing or the death of a celebrity.”

#6 Jon Richardson…

“Snooker is the best. Snooker is basically tidying up disguised as sport.”

#7 Ellie Taylor

“My wedding was like a fairy tale. It wasn’t magical; it’s just that I’ve got an ugly sister.”

#8 Jack Whitehall

“I’m sure wherever my dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead. Just very condescending.”

#9 Richard Herring

“Act your age, not your shoe size … that means something different on the Continent.”

#10 Jo Brand

“My husband can do the work of two men. Unfortunately, those men are Laurel and Hardy.”

#11 Nick Helm

“I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.”

#12 Frank Skinner

“When my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in concert: we start with some new stuff, and then we roll out our greatest hits.”

#13 Miranda Hart

“My musical knowledge is so poor I thought Kanye West was a railway station and Lana Del Rey a holiday destination.”

#14 Milton Jones

“About a month before he died, my grandfather covered his back full of lard. After that he went downhill very quickly.”

#15 Nish Kumar

“My mum’s so pessimistic that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn’t fancy her chances.”

#16 Chris Rock

“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? ‘Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’”

#17 David Letterman

“Do you know what I love most about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that’s just in the hot dogs.”

#18 Bob Newhart

“I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for those who like country music, denigrate means to ‘put down.’”

#19 Mitch Hedberg

“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They’re relentless.”

#20 Jiff Gaffigan

“I can’t believe we’re still giving clothing as a gift. Cause whenever you get clothing as a present, you always open it up and you think, ‘Not even close.’ And the person that gives it is always like, ‘You can take it back if you don’t like it.’ ‘That’s alright. I’ll just throw it out.’ Don’t give me an errand.”